Bonus Mom Advice

Not that I consider myself a professional bonus mom by any means...is anybody really? BUT, after an inbox from a friend the other night, I had a bright idea on something to write. I think it would help a lot of stepmoms or soon-to-be stepmoms.  Until you are a stepmom, you will never understand some of the feelings you face.  ESPECIALLY if you are only a biological mother. As my friend said who is a bio-mom and stepmom, "I think being a stepmom is so much harder than being a mom, because it's hard to find your place"....This is SO TRUE.  I've never put it into those words, finding your place, but there couldn't be a truer statement.  Anyways, what I want to share today is things and feelings I have faced being a stepmom.  Things that I think other women who are already will identify with and things that soon-to-be stepmoms will encounter and wonder if they're normal.  They are. Pretty much anything you will feel is probably gonna be normal..  If you're the stereotypical crazy, mean stepmom like in Cinderella, this is probably not for you. You, more than likely, need to get over yourself.

1.  You are not gonna love the kids the second you meet them and there's no need to feel guilty.  Sounds harsh, right?  Well, it's true and you don't need to act like it either.  Will you think they're cute? Well, more than likely.  Unless they're at a weird, awkward teenager stage lol.  Mine, for instance, were 2 when I met them.  Cute, you ask? Oh heck yes.  I still think I have some of the cutest girls on the planet.  In fact, I proudly compare my kids (in my head) to other people's stepkids LOL.  I literally think to myself,  "Mine are a 100 times cuter than their stepkids." Silly, right? Like I had something to do with how cute they are! HAHA! Except I do take pride in putting outfits together :)
 Back to the "loving" them.  You won't and you don't have to put on a show as far as love goes.  Don't tell the kids you love them, when you haven't made that connection yet.  It absolutely makes me cringe to meet someone that started dating a new person with a kid three days previously and they are talking about how much they love the kid, like the kid is their own.  To me, it's the same as a boy and girl meeting and 2 days later he tells her he loves her.  More than likely, no he doesn't. He LUSTS her, sure.  LOVE? Probably not.  You will grow to love the kid/kids in time.  Don't force it.  A connection is not always immediate.  In fact, sometimes, it takes awhile.  One of mine, in particular, took me a LONG time to truly feel a CONNECTION with her.  It happened on a weekend that I kept her by herself and by myself while her dad was on a hunting trip.  I just wanted some company, so she came and stayed.  We danced and had fun, but I think the thing that did it was her having a mental breakdown about pullups!  She didn't want to wear pullups to bed.  We were having this long, drawn-out conversation about pullups, and I said, "Well, Mae, you pee in your pullup at night.  So if I let you sleep without your pullup, more than likely I will have sheets to wash in the morning and I really hate washing sheets" lol.  She said "But Erica, I promise, if you let me wear panties, I will show you!! Don't you see I never pee in my panties??"....My wheels start to turn at this point...."Yeah, why is that Mae.  You don't ever pee in your panties, but you'll pee in a pullup awake??" ..."Because, I figured if yall only saw that I peed in my pullups and not in my panties that you would just let me wear panties, because I NEVER pee in my panties.....".........."Mae....that's not the way adults think, but I really have to tell you how genius that is.  I mean that's completely logical.....wow".......So I didn't make her wear the pullup that night and she's never peed in the bed at our house again...I don't think at her mom's either.  She was so ecstatic that night, she gave me the biggest hug, like I had just solved one of her biggest problems lol.  I felt like we had crossed this bridge together.  It was the oddest thing.  I remember texting my husband and her mom and telling them the story....we were all like...wow....that's really a smart way to think for a little kid.  It felt so good, that I got to be the one that made that difference for her.  Sounds so silly, but it's true....

2. JEALOUSY.  "WHAAAATTT?!?!" you say. When you have been dating the mom/dad for a period of time without meeting the kids, there will come that moment when you have your first encounter.  More than likely, you will feel odd and out of place, because now your seeing a different side of this person that you're nuts about and it's a side that has absolutely nothing to do with you...yet anyways.  It's called being a parent. When I met Joe's twins, we had been dating about a month.  I remember telling Joe, "What if they don't like me??"...His response was, "They're 2 year old girls, I don't think you have much to worry about"...haha.  They get to the house, and I'm a little uneasy, because I don't know how to act.  They are consumed with their dad and he's wrestling with them in the floor and I'm just sitting on the couch....smiling (cuz it was cute), but I was having this horrible feeling come over me.  The Big Green Monster?? What in the world?? Why was I having a hint of jealousy sneak into my brain over these cute little twins??  I'll tell you why, because up until this point, Joe was all mine.  I hadn't had to face that fact (even though obviously I knew), that I was gonna have to share attention with someone else...two someone elses lol.  I literally had to wipe the Big Green Monster out of my mind and tell myself that was ridiculous.  But, it's not ridiculous.  It's normal.  Now, if you've been with your significant other for sometime now and still feel this jealousy raging...you might have a problem and I can't help you there.  My hint of jealousy faded very quickly as soon as the girls warmed up to me.  In fact, it was the very next time we spent time together.  It was Joe's family Christmas and AJ sat in my lap for literally two hours and never moved nor acted like she wanted to.  If you know AJ, you know this would be quite an odd feat.  She's never still for long.  I remember when we left that night,  Joe said, "You stole my heart a little tonight.  I've never seen AJ do that...."  WINNING. Jealousy defeated. LOL :)

3. You will feel inadequate and out of place.  This is so very common and will happen on a regular basis, because guess what?  You're not their mom! SURPRISE! LOL.  I can't tell you how many times, I've cried when I've heard the, "I want my mom!!!" cry.  Welp! Guess what? She's not here.  Will I do for now??  Yeah, it sucks.  Plain and simple. It makes you feel worthless.  Part of me wants to explain how awesome I am and how they should totally be grateful for me. Guess what? They could CARE LESS! Lol. For the most part, we are past this stage.  More than likely, if you pay attention, it only happens when they are in trouble or not getting what they want.  Rarely, it may happen, just because they sincerely miss their mom.  This is what happens in Little Red's case.  She loves her momma and I truly love that.  In that same breath, she has a way of making you feel worthless when she misses her mom.  I mean like literal meltdowns that you CANNOT stop even with offering six popsicles, favorite movie, popcorn, and a trip to Disney World.  N-O-T-H-I-N-G works.  It's been in those moments, that I screamed (to myself), "I CANNOT WAIT TIL SOMEONE WANTS ME THIS BAD!!! CUZ I FEEL SO UNWANTED RIGHT NOW!!!" It sucks.  Period.  Although, you're always glad they want their mom that much.  It just means they have a good mom.  Let's face it, people talk about deadbeat dads, deadbeat moms are becoming just as prevalent.  In those moments, you just have to be glad they got a good momma and remind yourself how much you love your momma and no matter how cool any other adult was, you eventually would want your mom when you were little too.  Heck, I want my mom now sometimes and I'd like to think I'm a big girl! LOL

4.  They will get on your nerves.  Remind yourself, they get on their bio-parents nerves too.  No matter what you think, at times, they make their real moms want to climb the walls too, whether the mom wants to admit it or not.  So you're not alone and don't think you're horrible because they are driving your bonkers one weekend (ESPECIALLY if you're pregnant BAHAHAHA).  Because they drive their moms bonkers too :)

5. You will feel like the B**** Stepmom on occasion and it's ok.  When I first married Joe, I was consumed with not being the stereotypical stepmom.  I didn't want to get onto the girls.  I wanted them to think I was the greatest, most awesome person on the planet! I told Joe, I want them to grow and think of me as the person they can come to about anything...like I'm their FRIEND!!!!....WRONG.  It doesn't work that way.  Especially at my house.  My husband works part of the weekend, so half the day Saturday, it's just me.  Let's face it.  If someone gets in trouble, I gotta do it.  Period.  I tried for the longest time to avoid discipline, because I felt odd and I didn't want to be THAT stepmom.  Then, Joe got onto me for being a "threatener".  He was right, they were walking all over me and it was wearing me out, trying to make everyone happy.  It's impossible to make everyone happy at all times with three kids.  At some point, you have to say NO! QUIT! and STOP! and follow thru with consequences or you'll have a mental breakdown.  Luckily, I think I have a stern enough face (and a lower voice for a girl lol) the girls know I mean business when I mean business if you know what I mean.  If you don't make boundaries, you will wear yourself out trying NOT to be the storybook stepmom (by that, I mean, bad stepmom).  With that said, GUESS WHAT? The girls still like me! Everytime, I walk in the door, they go to yelling my name...."ERICA'S HERE!!", "YOU'RE HOME!!!"...etc.  They are excited I'm there.  As long as they are excited I'm there, I guess I'm still doing ok.  One more thing: I told my dad once, that I was really worried I was maybe being to hard on them.  He said, "If you're worried about it...then that means you're probably doing just fine.  It's when you're not worried about it, that you need to worry.  People that care, worry.  People that don't care. Don't worry" True statement.

That's all I have today.  Ignore my mistakes. I didn't proofread.  I never do. Lol

Have a good day folks!